N U R S A F I A H

Tuesday, May 10, 2005/

Caring---How much is too much? @ 4:50 pm

I am open yet conservative. I hold strong to my values and beliefs. I am rarely swayed. Yet sometimes I think to myself, what is the point of doing so? Why can't I just be wild and free and not care about a thing in the world? Problem is I do care. I do. I can't just let go of what I believe is right to make myself more contented. Maybe this is my destiny. I just have to find the one then, I'll be alright. Problem is, how long do I have to wait? I know I'm picky, I'm fickle but I have to find the right one for me. If I be

"...like Lady Copper-Locks Bartelmy and squeal everytime I see a spider and have
nothing in my head except how white my skin is and how shiny my hair is and
whether some idotic young gentleman is writing some stupid sonnets at my
chest..."

then that won't be me! I'm not that kinda girl! I would be crossing all my values. In fact, I'm quite disgusted at girls who discuss boys like they are baseball cards

"...because they are liable to ruin their own lives for a pretty locket and some
bad verse..."

Not like that conversation I had with Amila on bus no. 65. It was enlightening. A good exchange of opinions on the topics concerning us most. I'm now not sure if I should publish this entry. For those ppl who are like the ones I described above, I'm sorry if I have hurt you, this is just an opinion. You may be thinking "whatever....whatever(insert here)" but I do like *matmanchidures. I cant help it. I've taken a liking to them instead of *mabois.

I'm quite sorry and sad that I "let go of a girl while she was drowning in a pool". I was not strong enough. This is a metaphor. Now she'll keep drowning and I don't know when she will resurface but maybe if she's happy in that underwaterworld of hers, I should just leave the lake and move on.
Actually, I let go of two girls. I just give up hope on the other one!She professes to something but she does not show it. I told her but she does not change. I am very sad and it is very tiring. That is my problem-as quoted by my father, " I care too much". Is it wrong to do that? I hope one day they remember and become enlightened-see themselves in a mirror and really ask themselves. Then they will walk on the path that is right but full of thorns. I am sad. This is very tiring and exhausting. That is my problem-- as quoted from my father," You care too much!". But what would happen if I don't care at all? If I just kick my conscience away? I've tried it...it made me feel guilty--like a bad apple eating itself from inside.

Things I learnt this week so far:
1.Just be grateful you have something --at least you are contented with it.
2.You have to work with new people once in a while --its refreshing.
3.You have to be brave to speak up to get across what you want to say-- it is your right.

* all words underlined and with an (*) are coded words which only I know what it means unless I wish to disclose this bit of info to you. quotes came from The Lady Grace Mysteries: Asassin by Patricia Finney.

a lyfe* like mine-; 4:50 pm