N U R S A F I A H

Sunday, September 17, 2006/

@ 6:27 pm

The Seven Greatest Steroid Excuses

Most major sports have a Hall of Fame. But there is one competition that has yet to honor its heroes: doping. Because so many drug scandals have occurred over the years, why isn’t there a hallowed institution to commend the skill and creativity demonstrated by the all-time greatest cheaters? Where are their signed syringes, their framed flaxseed oils, their original testosterone creams?

Patrick Hruby, columnist for ESPN.com’s popular "Page 2," recently presented his first Steroid Excuse Quiz. We thought we would share with you our top picks from his hilarious selection.

1. When police found EPO and other performance enhancers in the home of Belgian cyclist Frank Vandenbroucke, he claimed the drugs were intended for:
a. His anemic dog.
b. His arthritic cat.
c. His diabetic goldfish.
d. His SARS-infected pet rock.

2. Tennis player Petr Korda blamed a positive nandrolone test at Wimbledon on:
a. Chewing gum manufactured from pesticide-protected trees.
b. Wearing cologne produced in a chemical plant.
c. Eating veal made from steroid-enhanced calves.
d. Drinking water bottled in the San Francisco’s Bay Area.

3. Cuban high jumper Javier Sotomayor blamed a number of positive cocaine results on:
a. The CIA and the Cuban Mafia.
b. The KGB and the Hong Kong Triads.
c. The Freemasons, the Teamsters, Opus Dei, the Rothschilds, Skull and Bones and the sinister Jewish cabal that runs Mel Gibson’s Hollywood.
d. The rain’cause the rain don’t mind and the rain don’t care!

4. American cyclist Tyler Hamilton blamed a flunked blood-doping test on:
a. An inexplicable third nipple.
b. A silent Scientology birth.
c. Webbed feet.
d. A mysterious unborn twin.

5. American sprinter Dennis Mitchell blamed his too-high testosterone levels on:
a. Drinking five bottles of beer and having sex with his wife four times the night before the test.
b. Drinking two bottles of tequila and visiting the Gold Club with Patrick Ewing the night before the test.
c. Attending a Minnesota Vikings nautical outing the night before the test.
d. Downing a shot of absinthe and reading Wilt Chamberlain’s autobiography the night before the test.

6. German distance runner Dieter Baumann claimed his elevated nandrolone levels were the result of:
a. Contaminated body lotion.
b. Spiked toothpaste.
c. Tainted hand soap.
d. Extra-strength Listerine.

7. After testing positive for strychnine, Dutch cyclist Adri van der Poel faulted:
a. Eating a pigeon pie made from juiced racing pigeons raised by his father-in-law.
b. Eating rabbit stew made from road kill found next to an unlocked gate at an animal-testing lab.
c. Eating cookies baked by his absent-minded grandfather, who mistakenly used strychnine instead of sugar.
d. Eating a convenience-store hot dog. Really, who knows what’s in those things?

Answers: 1a, 2c, 3a, 4d, 5a, 6b, 7a

a lyfe* like mine-; 6:27 pm