I love my life right now. All the "live your life to the fullest" talk, yeah we've heard about it. I really do enjoy my life. And I want to keep having this feeling till I'm old and grey. I don't wanna do anything that will hook onto my conscience like a piece of metal that'll sink me to the seabed. And because of that, I sometimes wonder if keeping in touch with my past life is an investment for the happ
y-ness of my future.
Because so far, I kind of feel a sense of discomfort and instability with the life connecting me to my past. Maybe it's because my past life continues to be what it is, my past. The now and the new do not make themselves known to me. For that, I feel that my past has become a stranger to me. Who are they? Do I really know them? I can't start a decent conversation for goodness sakes and why am I the only one trying here? Is it better to be what it is now? Pretending that I am okay when I feel so detached? Should I just let go and forget? Start a new life? There are tens of people who are surprised that I still have a link with my past. For them, it was only a few years and then, the relationships just wasn't strong enough to withstand the tests of distance and distractions.
I find myself surprised to discover that the people who I eventually relate to are the people that I have not really made an effort to keep in contact with over these 4 years. Am I trying too hard? The new year awaits the potential of a fresh start for these abandoned friendships. Or should I even try to start it? The risk of a pattern is there. I'm scared. What if?...there are so many of these.
What's the use of an online social community anyway when you can't keep track of the important stuff in someone's life? Friendster, Hi5, Facebook, i think it's all for show. How can one achieve a lot in life when keeping a strong online presence is a priority? Why did I join Friendster anyway? Oh cos someone persuaded me to do so. What good did I get from that? Why did I start a Hi5 account? Because I was invited by those annoying mass invites. It was the trend. Friendster, Hi5 and now Facebook. Who knows what the "in" website might be in the future? And knowing a personal detail through this machine we call the "internet" is just so convenient. There's no need for the effort to text someone , no need to use that tiny ounce of muscle effort to press the little keys on that little gadget that you take around everywhere with you. On the internet, you post something and days after the BIG NEWS is still there...it may be old news but it'll still be big. Or you can look at the downside and say that if this machine wasn't around, if the websites were not built, then the people would never know. Or they could know and they'd get hurt. Well then, I just hope, in the future, if you tie the knot, the people around you, the important ones better not learn about it through this way.
And maybe because of this "I wanna be happy everyday" feeling, I don't want to tread on the path which will promise me a future financial safety net. Maybe I'm the kind who would do anything, keeping in mind that it's legal, as long as it keeps me wanting to live life everyday and waking up with a WHOOPEE!, giving allowances for several reluctant tosses and turns. My plan for the future includes getting married and having children...and thus having a happy family with all the ups and downs in the package. I don't wanna be no women powerhouse with all the calls and laptops and meetings here and there. I wanna stay at home and juggle business and family. I want to wake them up to a morning of an exciting breakfast everyday. I wanna bring them to exciting places everyday. And I want to enjoy everyday of it. Everything I do now is for the future. The situation now scares me a bit. All I can do now is just prepare. Think up of all the possible scenarios and gather my reserves. Stock up. Then choose the way which most makes this happen.
I can't deny it as much as I would love to. The past really made what I am today. All the embarrassing times, the good ones, the laughter, the tears, all the stuff I wish I hadn't done, all the stuff that I wish I did, all the things I wished I didn't say or did. But the past is over and I got to move on with my life as much as they have moved on with theirs. I really shouldn't dwell upon it but still as I'm typing this, I feel that things could have been so much more better between us. We could have been more involved with each other's life. But we did not pass the test of distance and distractions. IT was too much of a hassle. And I'm never a failure because of this.
Now, I'm about to start a new chapter. Sure people from the past will always be in the future too but they may not be in MY future. I have no control over this, it's fate. But I hope the ones who are good for me, and the ones who I'm good for will always have a piece in my story.
Labels: life talk
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1:04 am
