When something happens and you're required to make a on-the-spot decision, you don't really think. You just do it. I think, it's during these moments, your real self is telling your conscious self who you really are. And when you think about it again, those moments when you regret something and you think you should've done it in a different way, don't regret. Because what you actually did, was the best action for that moment. Sure things would've turned out differently but the opportunity cost ( ECONS REVISION: next best alternative... bla bla bla. haiz, still can't remember properly) would have been more would it? And you're going against who you really are. Besides, it it were meant to be, you can still re-make it. Somehow, it would just happen. It will. And this is what I believe.
I don't think we can know ourselves fully and neither can we fully know another person. We just have to enjoy knowing the other person as it is. And in the process, know ourselves.
Sometimes, we try to define ourselves because from the many times our unconscious self has made decisions for us, we can see a pattern. If we can't see it, others can. We try to form the pattern but we forget that we are not of the pattern. We make the pattern. Hence, when others think that we are of one sort, we try to mould ourselves to what they think we are, because we think, that's why that person wants to be our friend in the first place. But it gets difficult because it's not you. Gradually, you shed more of your outer layers. The friend gets to know the real you. A true friend will accept you when they learn more about you and still like you for what they learn about you and not what they thought you were.
You show different shades of yourself at different points of times, but there's still a constant about yourself. You don't do some things and you will never do them- principles. Then, there are things that you will always do- habits and character. There are the things you show and it comes from the outer layers of you. Then there are some things that you show that comes from deep within you. There are many you-s. But they are all one. There is the you that you can control and there is the you that you just can't. But you are still one. You can control some parts of what your self shows to the world but you can't control other parts. Shahini says I'm a magnet to people who are of a certain type, and I keep them for a long time and they're not just come and go. She also wonders how I can be so close to so many people, how I can have the time for them eg: PRI SCH- Ahmad/Shahini + the rest of pri sch peeps, SEC SCH- Sade/Fadi/Netballers/, PAE- classmates/ Daryl/ Sean? (cos only got to know him during JAE) , PAE to JAE- Christina, IN Crowders... I didn't realise this. Honestly. I was speechless when she said it. Many people would know, I don't often get speechless. If I do, something is wrong with me, so please ask. TEE HEE. I guess, this is what it means I guess when people say, some people know you better than yourself, because knowing yourself is very difficult. I can safely say that Shahini's one of them. She knows what to say, she knows the right thing to say even if it sounds wrong but when I think about it again, she's right. If there are no such thing as best friends (because it can be unconstant, cliche, and a curse sometimes >< this does not apply to SSS) , then she's the oldes-st friend who knows me the best. *SHAHINI DONT BLUSH* haahah...
About "attracting" people, kind of a crude word, but it's not a conscious process. I don't go around thinking: "OH i've got to keep this person as a friend. It's an investment." It will be worthwhile. I guess, this is the part I can't control. My actions just come from who I really am and that part is a grey area which is undefinable.
I'm so glad that our Lit paper is on Identity. (: Ms Lim was scared if we won't be able to relate to it. How I have proven myself that she doesn't need to be afraid. Not only can I relate to some of it ( including themes on Motherhood ), I learn more about myself, about my life, just by learning it. How many people can seriously say that about their subjects in school? My fear was learning too much about the world and not about myself, not being organic. I do love Literature and even if I don't get an A, I'm not troubled. It's just one of the things that make you really think about yourself, your life, how you are living your life, what you've been doing right or wrong. Which reminds me, I've been living my days wrongly. My hours are spent doing the right things at the wrong times. The knowledge of it is written in the books but I've not come across it yet, or else, I've just forgotten about them.
Sometimes, this is what I really need. To think about who I am...what I believe in...why I believe in it...I guess it comes at unspecific times, wild and stubborn too.
Faith is beyond belief most times It's believing in something that you just can't logically sequence. I think, faith is needed, especially when the world is so unsure, my life is so unsure and a lot of other things are so unsure.
I can't say I believe that my relationships will last forever. I don't know what will happen along the way with all of them. I have faith in it. We lose touch but who knows how they've changed when they come back? Who knows how the dynamics of the relationship has changed? Who knows how I have changed? With some, you go on keeping in constant close contact. With others, it's only when you think about each other. And it's perfectly fine. However, don't you also think that some friendships have a limited purpose and you can't go beyond that? Eg: 1) a primary sch friend is just a primary sch friend and you meet each other by accident one day. You update each other on your life and you go your separate ways. 2) You had a primary school best friend and you graduate to different secondary schools. You have no idea where she is now, how she is now and you find, you don't really care. 3) You have classmates and ex-classmates, here and there. You want to care about them but you find they don't really want to care about you and you find, that's all right. 4) A friend tells you about his/her problems and you're okay to be the listening ear but you somehow find that you can't tell him/her about your problems, and you don't wonder why, the relationship is just like that. 5) There are a certain set of people you do certain things with eg: shop/swim/study but you don't do everything with them but when you do those activities, it is JUST with them, and it's fine by you- no commitment, no frustrations, no dissapointments (:
But for some relationships, you want it to go further and it just won't/can't happen and sometimes it gets sad/hurtful and frustrating even because you try and it just doesn't work but in due time, you realise it's all for the best. (:
Still, at least for these relationships, you know who's what to you and then, you can proceed to treat the friend as how he/she should be treated. Not more, not less. But what if you don't know what type of friend that person is? How should you treat that person then so that he/she knows that you really really like he/she as a friend and just want to do really friendly things without overstepping the border because the line is really thin isn't it. Sometimes, you yourself can't commit to being more than a certain type of friend because you've had enough and it wouldn't be fair for that person too because she/he wouldn't get the right treatment from you. And sometimes, you're just scared it would all be corrosive for you in the end.
My mum says, Success is not measured by how well you do in school, in work but how you have touched other's lives. If you feel the same way to some parts of the above...then maybe I have touched your life, in some way or another (: and mothers know best.
XOXO
N U R S A F I A H
i'm not that bad (:
Labels: reflection
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2:33 pm
