Oh gosh....
I don't know why just sometimes school warrants for bad moods. Yesterday first thing in the morning, I didn't receive my Broader Perspectives magazine while all my other classmates who paid got it. So I got in a bad mood for it cos Shafiq kept for Siti and not for me cos they dint know that I subscribed...HAIZ. I really love Broader Perspectives cos of the design if not the really good articles. I'm a sucker for good design...I think the classes behind us saw me stamping and stomping about. GRRSH. My fuse has really really shortened nowadays...but next time, I need to really remind myself that it's not all that bad cos there are always nice people around who actually wants you to feel better. Like Elliot who offered to lend me until I finish reading cos he already read it finish it one day. And the thing is, he was the one who approached me to ask me why I was so glum, if I was okay. It was so unexpected.. Leads me to think...if I had my choice...sometimes, I'd rather be doing other things than what I keep doing and that I wish I was stronger to pull myself away. N if I could create my perfect world, who I'd choose to be in it and who I'd kick out.
Maybe Azrul was right that time:
"Safiah, you're so..."
"So what, Azrul? What is it this time...you're always criticizing me..." (jokingly. Which is true too anwyays)
"you're so... in your own world"
Of course. I have reason to do so. Now I understand...
I don't like to blame. I prefer not to blame. I try not to blame. When frustrations been suppressed, one day, it'll all burst out.
Since Ramadhan has come and gone, I hope I can keep doing all the good things that I've been doing during Ramadhan and kick out my bad habits... this I need to write down somewhere and paste it on the wall.
*I just purged everything out...I think I feel better now.**
Feeling lots of things...and in this mood... all I can see are the negatives..and everything is going through my mind all at once.
Just stop telling me what to do. Please ask me nicely.
Stop making me feel so stupid. Don't silence me so suddenly. I've been keeping it all in, accepting it. No wonder I just BLEAHGH and ARGHH and "STOP IT" these days I can't bring myself to get these stupid treatments anymore. And I just feel like screaming sometimes " CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME THE RESPECT TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY! ARGS!" It won't be a surprise if I grow more silent as the days go by and it won't matter anyway cos it will all end soon and me being the person to gravitate to a happy disposition will forget all this sooner or later and be unable to stop silencing myself. Maybe I should tattoo on my hand a mantra saying "Safiah, shut up". I may be losing more and more of myself if this continues. It's just not me, what I've been doing lately. It's not what I see myself to be...it's not what I want to be.So how do I depart from this mess?
I'm losing control...my room is a chore to appear spot on tidy everyday...i keep being so tired of the world no matter how much I sleep, there seems to be so many things to do that I haven't done. There's so many duties, promises, responsibilities to the world. I can't find my own space right now. Even long walks home from TPJ stop to own house is not enough to clear my mind. Think I need to go to that carnival pond and throw lots of stones until I'm ok. Maybe shall do that tomorrow. Do I have anything tomorrow? No. Yes so I can go and throw stones. and stone. and stone. and be all alone. and spend as long as I want to cos there's no CCA tmr. I know there's so many people I can turn to... just that I don't wanna burden them. But if they ask at the right time: "Safiah why so glum? Is everything okay?" like Elliot did... even if they're a stranger I'll just blurt everything out.
I think I just did (not too a stranger tho). And silly me, still can tear at how much people care for me. It's like I keep forgetting that they always want to see me happy, be successful, and all that jazz and when I stumble upon the fact that they do, it's like a new discovery all over again.
Be gone, to the people who have never ever said that they're happy to see me successful, or want me to be successful, or happy. Be gone to the people who have never ever given me encouragement when they can see that I need one when it's obvious that I'm not okay.
Be gone to those who find pleasure in condescending others. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent! It felt so easy sitting with Asmila, Thendral and Theodora today, talking nonsense the way it should rightfully be done.
and I promise I will never believe a word about anyone until it's proven true. Because I will never want any of that to happen to me. Yeah all those karma shizzamagizz. How can you expect people to treat you in a way when you don't treat other people in a similar fashion? Maybe it's your own doing that's making the things you so badly want to happen, not happen. Then you can't blame events right? Everything starts from the heart.
Oh gosh I don't knowww...I have to change this,if not, I can't live with my conscience.
I have to stop the way I feel because it is of no use anyways. It's all going to end one day too. There's no use. There's no reason why some things happen. Fear works into my days a lot nowadays too... I think I'm scared of some things and then... something wrong happens instead.
It's like
We all have better days Problems getting all up In your face Just because You go through it Don't mean it got To take control
~Just Stand Up by Various Powerful Female Singers
I just had to blurt all these out for future reference...
Lessons learnt:1. Bring lots of material to read during break time.
2. There's a reason why birds of a feather flock together.
3. Your life will never ever go the way you exactly planned it.
4. You can never expect people to behave in a preset way. (implications are +ve or -ve)
XOXO
N U R S A F I A H
foul. mood.Labels: badmood
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10:10 pm
