HEY HO. today started of really bad. i think my nerves got really frazzled. i think the colour of my aura normally is...purple, green, lavender. But after this, I think there were like electric bolts of yellow all over and the after effects lasted till today.
Thanks Siti for the hug and being so understanding and caring. Appreciate it!
Thanks canteen for selling that cheap but DELICIOUSLY choclatey swiss roll. Chocolate will make anything go away. I bet many people will agree.
So far I'm on top of everything and loving everything.
Especially maths and geog and lit! WOOTS. Just do not like Econs. I think, now I realise what Daryl and Sean mean. I'm just waiting for the time where I can be like Jasmine and LIKE econs. I like it but I don't GET IT. I hate the method of teaching. Haiz....
can u believe i CHEER for maths everytime lessons start. Me and Nadirah will go oh so crazy and noisy.
And spotting for Nadirah's Unta in this dessert is so easy. HHAHA...
Had a long day. Lit and Econs Cambridge Summer School interview. I think I really flunked the Econs one. I really x 10^10 hope that I get the Lit one. PLS PLS PLS...
Emotionally, I think I've adjusted. But I still miss the friendly faces of random people like Trudy and Marie for example. And Yong Liang. haha...random people from my OG.
I went back to TPJ on Fri in my MJ uniform. HAhha....Hmm. yes no comments. But I felt at peace. REally. Mwaahah.
And I'm really glad that everything's ok now. That what was so mixed up and crazy before has fallen into place and I am less worried and confused. Everything happens for a reason, this is something I so strongly hold on to.
I'll give my 100% shot for everyone I love including myself, in this 2 short years. Yes even for Econs.
Still, sometimes it's just not enough and I keep wanting more out of something I know is not capable of giving me enough. Sometimes I just want something that is very familiar to me. The school is still an unfamiliar place to me. I don't know if it's the fact that it's too big or too small. Maybe both maybe neither. I just know what I want but I don't know how to get it sometimes. Sometimes I just want to take things apart and make it into my perfect little world. Yeah but it's all just mirrors around me. Reflecting what I give to the world. Sometimes, it's not even mirrors. What I give is not even what I get. Sometimes I think why do I care so much, when it's all not worth it in the end. And then when I think about it again, I always do what makes me happy. But it was only momentarily. In the long term, I keep feeling down again and feel like a POS and asking me why in the world am I doing this when it's going nowhere and I'm going round and round in circles.
I'm glad I make people feel better. It makes me smile too that I make them feel better. Heh..but sometimes, people just do not know how to make ME feel better. Maybe they just don't know how to. Maybe I don't know enough people who makes me feel better. Maybe I do know but I never see them when I need them, cos JC is a freaking big place where handphones are a necessity and bills go up cos of this. So for those who have made me feel better at one point of time or another, a BIG thank you...You people ROCK. Would you know who you are? :) Please....
OOH Daryl got in SONGFEST 08 at TPJC! YAY! And Tara and Visa too! Wonder if Syazwan got in....
Anyhoos Sean's buying me tickets..YAY!!
PUBLICITY: SONGFEST 08 @ TPJC. 7pm. Tickets: $5.
OOH K PICTURES! haha...
SHILA and ME.
Mouse and RAT! Vote for #26! ATIQAH!!
Atiqah's fanclub! see the badges?? NICE RIGHT...woots! Hoon and Me!
MOUSE!
YJ SO CUTE!
Met Erma so she can give me her suepr dee duper late Vday present cum Bday present. She showed me her AMAZING new newsletter which we all helped with along the way. SO PROUD OF YOU ERMS! At Starbucks CP. Bryan and Pam came too. AND PAM FORGOT TO BRING MY MARKERS! So must meet her at TPJ one day to get it. Which is not so inconvenient for me...
Bryan se-leng moment.
Have you seen the latest way of taking photos? mwhahhags.
AND AGAIN!
PAMELA
Bryan TRYING to copy Pamela. HAHA....HIM-BO! Actually he was listening to a gross story by Erma. ok..EEWWW..
We saw Shahrena that day. It seems most of the times I'm out, I'll see Shahrena. HAha so funny...I LOVE Straits Times when it's not about work!
ok u can't see it. But that's supposed to be a yellow bird. Which I do not know the name of. Yeah.
On the way somewhere and this was in the park in front of my home.
I am turning to be a real nature-loving sharp-eyed person. WOO HOO. can u see the butterfly? So prettaye...THIS IS WHY I LOVE WALKING HOME FROM TPJ! I can choose to stop one stop further so that it is a shorter walk but I like walking home from the TPJ stop so I can see all this nature stuff. HAiz...and the long walk with the trees just make me calm and makes me reflect on my day.
XOXO
N U R S A F I A H
yay to everyone! Labels: MJC, outburst, pictures
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9:13 pm
two's a company and three's a crowd.
or so they say.
but yesterday night, i felt horribly low. AGAIN.
Yeah yeah...i know. No I DON'T.
so I sms-ed Muu. Thank you girl for your understanding. You helped me sleep a bit better.
I so wanna watch
LEAP YEARS. There'll be
SNEAKERS outing on Friday and they'll watch it before the training but mum says I can't go because I've got to take care of baby bro :( When duty calls, you've gotta respond. AND I WANNA GO NETBALL SO MUCH. We'll see when the day comes. If it's okay...i really really hope I can go. Maybe I need that physical exertion and imagine someone's face is the ball and throw it as hard as I could. Maybe I need the social comfort that comes with training and having marches with the girls. Whatever it is, I NEED to go to training!
I just needed to see them, Muu and Marli. Lucky for the study outing. Hee...we saw so many people all around Tampines. Let me see...Yusliyana (aka Lyana), Marli's friend Timothy, Azrul, Sabri, Umar and Lyana saw Shila and some other people. haahahha. Small world when your schoo's in the East. Then after Lyana watched her movie we met her again at 77th street and we saw Adlin and Suria Priya (aka Supi) too.
Sylvia Plath's poems...gosh WHAT DO THEY MEAN???
Exclusively HERS restroom SHIOK AH!
YAYEZZ...
I am in the midst of cleaning out my room...yet again so that when term starts, my room is another option to study in.
I wish I had some game to play. Like...PSP games...but all so EX. Or Nintendo or whatever. I need a healthy addiction.By the way, my Madrasah just made me the Vice-Chairperson of Alkaff Youth. I almost spit out the tea I was drinking. So now, Aimran is the Chairperson, me the Vice-Chairperson oh gosh can't remember the rest. BUT...I'm the youngest there! Serious. The rest are in poly and 19 plus? hhaahha GOSH. First project: Alkaff Family Day. HAHAHA. WHAHAHA GOSH. Allah, help me. I know I can do this. YAY.
XOXO
N U R S A F I A H
wants life to be back to normal but forgots that her life is never normalLabels: low moments, outburst, study
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8:13 pm
Am so tired cos of Guitar orientation. Yes. This is how bad my stamina is at the moment. Run around school a bit and POOF my body is so tired. My immunity is sooo BAD.
Ok. I miss Daryl a lot. So Daryl if you're reading this, please don't ask me to stop missing you because it's a feeling and I can't make feelings from going away until it does.
Today I missed Jonathan too because it's the first time going to a guitar meeting with no friendly Jonathan's face. And his piercing. And his pro guitar skills. And yeah I kinda miss his friendly voice.
I miss Najihah also. Cos of the fact that she'll go around asking if everything is okay and me being SUCH a pro at guitar will always make funny faces at her, and tell her about the latest news of me and we'll share some insiders cousin-ny joke. GOSH...
ok ok Safiah stop it. You're starting to tear.
And sometimes, especially at this period of time, I cry myself to sleep because I feel so insecure. I don't know about what. My future? My friendships? My life?
Yes I know I shouldn't feel like this. I might as well have stayed in TPJ if I'm always returning back or missing people. But it's too late and in my BRAIN, MJ is the right choice because I really feel like I can study in MJ. If I was hardworking and self-disciplined and brave enough, I'd have stayed. But I'm not. I'm really not. So yeah. Too bad I just had to sacrifice my heart for my brain and future. Who asked me to be so lazy?
Atikah and me felt so unwelcomed or some feeling like that just now. I had to console her a lot. It's just if some people don't know how to welcome other people, it's not their fault right? Nobody taught them. All their life they only knew that the differentiation of 48x is 48 and so on.
I just expect everything to get better in time....as it is supposed to heal everything else. Because now it hurts a lot.
So this is why, this song is just going loop-de-loop in my w910i.
Better in Time- Leona LewisIt's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming
thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok
Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
________________
on the brighter side of life, the day started with 08A301 reminisicing on old boyband songs and I was singing and singing with Martin. Then we started to reminisce about childhood TV shows. I remember there was this one show on Kids Central where there was a clown on a HUGE sofa. Then, Dexter's Lab, Mummies Alive..haiz..that was good fun.
The Sizzling Western food in our canteen can be eaten by Muslims now. YAY!
However, I really DO NOT LIKE the cleanliness of the canteen. EEE gosh. Everytime I go there I shiver. WHY WHY WHY?
And it's so easy to get stains on the MJ uniform. Like mysteriously, out of nowhere and somehow, they are there! Tsk.
I've been elected Vice Chairperson for temporary Class Commitee.
Q:Where is my life going to go?
A: I don't know but for the next 18 months, STUDYING is your main priority.
WHAT A LIFE.
Oh and Thank You sooo much to Shafiq for supporting me during the "speeches". Farnie! Thanks to Samantha for being my listening ear at the start of my emo day.
Thanks to Jannah for always picking up the phonecalls when I'm always lost and don't know where the class is.
Thanks to Christina for giving me the hug that I needed. Thanks for introducing me to your classmates. I can only remember Salihin and Azrul and Aida and Kamal.
Thanks to Mark for always giving me reasons to smile at the end of the day. And everyone is talking about Mas Selamat. T.T Everywhere I go. Class, hairdresser. I hope everyone will be safe and everything will be over..
XOXO
N U R S A F I A H
feels blah and insecure
Labels: 08A301, music, outburst, video
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9:36 pm
I missed the little "family gathering" of the PAE 08S28 family because I had Fariz's birthday to go to. I don't like going to two things at a time EVERYTIME because I feel so rushed and a bit guilty to my family. With the new addition to the house, I feel it is my responsibility as the eldest to take care of the baby brother. It may be frustrating at times but just looking at his cute face makes me realise how innocent and pure he is. I wanted a baby brother so I must help my mum with everything. So I'm really sorry to Jasmine, Jocelyn and Mark for not being able to make it. I really really want to watch Leap Years with you! And I can't make it again next Saturday because of Gema Puisi Artistik which I promised Sadelena since we were in secondary school that we would go every year even after we graduated frm Cedar.
So I went to meet Shila at White Sands and left Ahmad and Adli to go shopping for Fariz's present on their own. Shila and me decided to be so BUDG-JET (say it the Liyana way!) and give him chocolates that we like and we bought a ready-made wrapping paper bag and put all the chocs inside. Honestly, we didn't know what to get for a boy. We met Adli and Ahmad at Level One and saw Jannah, Adelaida and Kikin. HAHA. What a coincidence. Then I asked them where they were going and they replied, "To Fariz's birthday party." I forgot that they knew Fariz too from Young Minds Club ( YMC Mendaki). That was quite a pleasant surprise. The boys bought a pair of shades for him. Quite nice. Jannah wanted to buy SOMETHING REALLY BAD for Fariz and me and Kikin RULED it out for her. So EMBARASSING T.T hehx.
I think our group was the first to reach the chalet. Then, Leon came. Phay Key, Dian, Izwan and Serene from the GPS part, some of Fariz's MI OG mates (I only caught the name of one of them- Grace) and more of the YMC people - Hani (in AJC now), Fads( she only came for a while and just barely said hello to her, Mat ( in NJip) and Zul (ACJC). Jannah's in SAJC and Adel's in ACSib and she really really likes what she's studying there though she says the culture's not that good. Kikin's in Sg International School. Yeah. Adel and Kikin are cousins. Ok then I really enjoyed myself because I talked a lot to both groups cos I know them. Haha... Jannah and Adelaida are my secondary school mates. Quite close to them. I really caught up a lot with Leon and Serene. Serene's in VJ and she was in Dunman High before that. She said that it's been four years and all she saw was Chinese and this is the first time she interacted with Malays after those four years. HAHA. Serene's really very sweet. I don't know why but Shila and Dian didn't really look like they were enjoying themselves. Hee...
Ahmad was a bit fed up at us cos we talked about SCHOOL AND SCHOOL...honestly, there's really nothing much I can talk about because if I let him take the lead, the direction of the conversation will veer off to GIRLS...T.T
Fariz's sister really changed alot huh...When Puberty sets in...his younger brothers all still look the same to me. And I'm glad that his parents still remember me!
The pictures I took were all crap and so I'll just wait for Jannah to come online. I went home with Adelaida, Kikin and Hani. The first to go. Found out that Hani takes H1 maths too! YAY!
___
Things are so freaking different now.
I really appreciate the fact that even though we all lead different lives, my primary school friends and I make an effort to meet up regularly. That can't be said for some people who right now, don't even want to SEE my face/HEAR my voice and I can't figure out WHY WHY WHY. I really do not know WHAT in the world I did wrong. I thought things would be okay...I thought wrong. How can it be that one point of time we were so close and now I just feel HATE. Everytime I try to approach with caution, I'd be pushed away. There's a limit to the bruises my heart can take. There's so many theories my mind came up with to protect what was treasured in the past: you're protecting yourself (from WHAT?), you're trying to make life better by pretending this is some tragic drama (It's NOT. This is LIFE. This is REAL.) and that after a hundred years, someone will come back to you and save you from your misery (you won't live that long). I'm trying so hard not to hate you but can you just realise that it hurts. It hurts a lot....
oh gosh. You just commited an act of humanity. THANKS : )
i'll live.
for now.
X O X O
N U R S A F I A H
will find happiness in the little thingsLabels: birthday bash, outburst, primary school gang
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8:54 pm
SHILA and ME.
Mouse and RAT! Vote for #26! ATIQAH!!
Atiqah's fanclub! see the badges?? NICE RIGHT...woots! Hoon and Me!
MOUSE!
YJ SO CUTE!
Met Erma so she can give me her suepr dee duper late Vday present cum Bday present. She showed me her AMAZING new newsletter which we all helped with along the way. SO PROUD OF YOU ERMS! At Starbucks CP. Bryan and Pam came too. AND PAM FORGOT TO BRING MY MARKERS! So must meet her at TPJ one day to get it. Which is not so inconvenient for me...
Bryan se-leng moment.
Have you seen the latest way of taking photos? mwhahhags.
AND AGAIN!
PAMELA
Bryan TRYING to copy Pamela. HAHA....HIM-BO! Actually he was listening to a gross story by Erma. ok..EEWWW..
ok u can't see it. But that's supposed to be a yellow bird. Which I do not know the name of. Yeah.
I am turning to be a real nature-loving sharp-eyed person. WOO HOO. can u see the butterfly? So prettaye...THIS IS WHY I LOVE WALKING HOME FROM TPJ! I can choose to stop one stop further so that it is a shorter walk but I like walking home from the TPJ stop so I can see all this nature stuff. HAiz...and the long walk with the trees just make me calm and makes me reflect on my day.
Sylvia Plath's poems...gosh WHAT DO THEY MEAN???
Exclusively HERS restroom SHIOK AH!
YAYEZZ...